THE OVERCROWDED BUS

Once upon a time a man set off home from his day centre, and on boarding a bus found what he wasn't expecting - morbid overcrowding.
In fact it was so overcrowded that people ended up mounted on top of one another.
This led to fights, and in one fight a man was thrown along the gangway and ended up on top of a man's head.

200 people crowded onto the bus only meant for 78.

Because of the malignant overcrowding people often went past the bus stop they were supposed to get off at.
Only the topmost people were able to get off the bus, that is those at the top of the pile, but had to escape through the windows because it was virtually impossible to reach the door, due to people lying on top of each other.

Loads of people were buried under each other making it difficult to breathe.

Not able to stand it any longer some people collapsed the floor and left the bus through the floor, crawling underneath until they came out at the other end of the bus - the first case of it's kind of an underfloor exit on the bus.

It was the councillor Jimmy Gasbag who made sure as many people as possible should get on the bus.

THE STRANGE CASE OF THE NUMBER 11

One day the bell on the buzzer to set off the intercom in flat 11 was rung on the outside by pressing 1, then 1, but instead of reaching the right destination it caused anything number 11 to be set off - other flats with the same number, even an 11 year old boy, for when number 11 was rung on the outside of the block of flats the boy was  sent flying all because his age bore the same number as the flat, number 11.
He was thrown across the road when someone pressed number 11 on the wall, and landed headfirst on a bush.

The same thing happened when the no. 11 bus came down the road, for it crashed into a lamp post when someone rang number 11 on the wall.

A warning was now read out that any object that was number 11 would get a nasty shock and should be stopped from coming down the this road until the problem with the flat 11  intercom was fixed.

That also applied to 11 year old children for they could have a nasty accident, even have a fall, if someone pressed number 11 on the buzzer.
They had to go down alternative streets, and told not to pass any house whose address was number 11

THE MAN WHO DOWNLOADED A BOMB ONTO HIS COMPUTER

One day a man downloaded a bomb onto his computer.
Once installed the man turned on his computer and it blew up.

The downloaded bomb had planted itself into the man's hard drive and got detonated once the man had switched on his computer.

The man's cousin who had arrived to give the man his money heard the loud bang outside.
when he opened the door and came in he was shocked to find the computer completely destroyed.

The man told his cousin that he had downloaded a bomb onto his computer, and when he switched on his computer it blew up.

"You, you've killed your own computer.
It's your own fault.

How many times have you told you not to download explosive materials onto your computer and other dangerous programs.
If you're not careful you could download flu viruses onto your computer and if you switch your computer on you could catch a deadly flu virus and die.

Did you know that you can catch deadly diseases and other killers from your computer.
Computers could even eat you.

All this is caused by killer computer viruses which only AVG antibacterial drugs could combat.

AVG antibiotics are very powerful drugs.

THE MAGICAL WARDROBE

Once upon a time a man finding that his wardrobe in his bedroom became overcrowded, suddenly discovered that his wardrobe started to expand many many miles and could now have as much space as possible to hang his belongings up.

On walking into the vast wardrobe that stretched  for thousands and thousands of miles the man stumbled upon another door. He went through this door and walked right out onto the beach 1100 miles from home, even though he was only 100 yards from his bedroom, approached through the wardrobe.

The beach was right in the land of Banarnia, the land where every forest was made up of bananas instead of trees.


he walked right out onto this beach and went inside a beach hut. He went up to the wall and a door suddenly appeared, then went through this door and got whisked into outer space, landing on the moon Dunkers, where he entered a magical castle with marble floors and vast rooms, ruled by King Sirloin. He sat on a vast chair 20 foot high and 50 foot wide.

Soon the man went through a door in the castle and landed straight back in his bedroom  where he climbed into the wardrobe from.

That night Sydney Jamjar, the man himself got into bed, climbed under the bedclothes and dragged himself to the bottom of the bed. There, he went through an arch into a magical kingdom, where he went straight into a castle, so vast that is stretched for 10,000 miles with loads of giant teddy bears and 50 - headed beasts.

The man walked into a corridor and stumbled upon a huge pool with women who  had heads all over their bodies and long tongues stretching for 20 feet, ready to grab any fish that came out of the River Smax.

The creatures stuck out their 20 foot tongues and nearly grabbed the man ready to gobble him up but escaped just in time, by climbing into a bottle with both ends. 
He came out of the other end and ended up in a bed 1000 feet long.
It was Prince Gaspian who slept in this vast bed, but he was away in Snoddia, his favorite country on a tour of the Dogacombs.

Prince Gaspian came from Snarnia.

The man crawled along the inside of the bed and landed up inside a toilet built into the bed sheets. 
It was used by the owner if he was caught short whilst in bed.
The man then flushed himself down the toilet and landed in an underground river made of chocolate, passing licorice allsorts men on the way and giant 7 - headed mice, some with beaks.

A mouse with a beak, it's never been heard of, but that's what the man saw on his travels through the chocolate river.

The river led into the Burly Sea, with fish sitting  up at tables eating their meals and trees urinating on lawns.

By now it was time to go home so the man tapped his feet on the ground and in a jiffy was back in his bedroom.

THE SCHOOL JAB

This is a special jab that is given to school children to protect them against illnesses caught in school, such as Classroom Flu and Playground Fever.
The jab is given once a year.
It is given in the school hospital.

Classroom Flu is caught from school desks.

Whenever a child open's up his or her desk germs often fly out and catch the child in his face.
They creep up his or her nostrils and enter the lungs, that's why it is advisable for child to have a school jab.

Playground fever is caught whenever a child plays.
The germs come from the playground toilets.

CLIVE PECK GOES TO RAMSDEN HALL

On Monday September 9th 1963 Clive Peck got up at 8.20 am, had breakfast and left the house at 1pm.

He arrived at Ramsden Hall at 2.55pm.

He was taken into the headteacher's office.


The headteacher Mr Rice Pudding ordered Clive's parents to sign in, saying that their son Clive would remain at school until he reached the age of 16.


The head warned that if he left before he reached 16 years of age he would be roasted on the fireplace.


Soon after he signed Clive went into the dining room for tea.

He had brick soup coupled with hair sandwiches.


After tea he went out into the playground.


Later on Clive went to unpack his suitcase then went to his dormitory to get himself ready for supper.

He put his clothes into the sideboard and wardrobe.


Boys in his dormitory included,


"Scruffy Chips, Herbert Bomb, Ian French, Michael Soap, Danny Oak and Alan Breakwater as well as himself - Clive Peck.

Some of them were ruffians, so, better watch out Clive peck.


One boy, Herbert Bomb, was a big bully who often stuck pencils down other boys' mouths.


As it happened Clive peck bumped into Herbert Bomb on his way down to supper.

The big bully knocked Clive Peck flying. In fact he did fly, so fast, that his head went straight through the wall at the end of the corridor.


"Help, shouted Clive Peck, my head's stuck in the wall."


Clive was grabbed by Herbert Bomb and pushed still further into the wall.


All of a sudden Mr Culprit, the deputy headteacher, rushed upstairs and saw that the wall had been broken into.


"What's all this Herbert Bomb, You've busted the wall."


But, before the head could say any more a cry rang out from inside the hole.


The teacher punched the wall in and found Clive Peck.


"What happened Clive?


"That bully pushed me into the wall.


"Come 'ere Herbert Bomb, wait till I Thrash the living daylights out of you".


So the teacher thrashed the bully Herbert Bomb.


"Clive, you can go into the shower to clean yourself up said the teacher."


So Clive went into the shower room and had a dry shower.



Soon afterwards he flew down to the school dining room and had school bully stew for supper. This was to make his body stand up to school bullies.

THE EGG FACTORY OF SNODGRASS WAY

Once upon a time there stood a giant egg factory in Snodgrass way Ilford.
Every person who worked here had to be in by 9.45 every morning otherwise he would be sent to prison.


10, 5745 eggs were manufactured every day .
when ready the eggs would be given to chickens who would then lay them.


when a chick hatched out he had to have a bath otherwise he would melt.
after he had a bath a newly hatched chick would be put to bed.
When he got up in the morning the chick returned to the egg he hatched out of.


Every chick was born without a head, so he had to have one specially made inside a chicken's head factory.


When the chick was fitted with a head he had to look after it because a head costs a lot of money.


for chickens who needed two or more heads a special machine was used.
The chicken had to be put into the machine.
then it was fitted with two heads or more if it needed them.


By the time a chicken was three months old it went to school.


Lessons included, how to lay eggs the proper way, and the warning that if a chicken ate eggs it would turn into an elephant.

THE DAY THE BUSES RAN WILD

One day in the middle of the week whilst people were waiting at the bus stop two London buses running up the wrong side of the road suddenly jumped onto the pavement and kicked passers - by up into the air.
The mad buses then ran along the pavement and started to chase  terrified people. 
People waiting at the bus stop didn't hesitate.
they got hold of one mad bus and knocked it to pieces.


In Nearby Sausage Road a minibus ran into a shop when it saw a wild bus.


"Help, shouted the minibus, save me from that mad London bus."


"Look 'ere Minibus Face, this shop is for people, not minibuses."


Angry shopkeepers kicked the minibus out of the shop, where it  went headfirst into a Rolls Royce bus.
The bus got it's wild up and beat up the minibus.


"Now Minibus Face, if you dare bash into me once more I'll chop you up.
Anyway Minibus, that London bus is my mate shouted the Rolls Royce bus."


All of a sudden a wild motorbike roared at 500 miles  an hours down Sausage Road and deliberately knocked a house flying. The house flew up into flew up into the sky and crashed into the sun.
Mad with fury the sun crashed down to Earth from the sky and beat up Sausage Road.


"You, Sausage Road and everything along it, including the house that crashed into me  said the sun are trying to get rid of me."


Horrified people saw the sun lying on the road.


"That house attacked me said the sun".


In the end the house got reduced to matchbread.
The ambulance came and took the sun to hospital where it had and operation.
The sun remained in hospital for six months.

THE MAN EATING POTATO

Once upon a time a giant potato went on the rampage eating up any person who got in it's way.

The potato brought terror to London.

This mad vegetable once burst into a school playground gobbling up 20 children.
Terrified out of their lives the remaining children rushed into the school to raise the alarm.
They knocked on the headteacher's office and told him about the man - eating potato.
The head rushed downstairs,
And,
"What a shock he got.
there was the giant potato barging it's way into the assembly hall.
So Mr News, the headteacher got out his rifle and shot the potato dead.

THE DAY A LOAD OF YOBS ATTACKED A SUPERMARKET

A gang called the Bog Men held up a supermarket.
Armed with guns they burst into the big shop and shot loads of people and goods including food.


Five packets of cereal ended up dead as they were peppered with bullets.


The terror gang then went on the rampage and smashed tills. They then set fire  to the supermarket.
Crying in pain the injured supermarket got up on it's feet and chased the gang, but collapsed.
the ambulance came and took the supermarket to hospital.
It had to have an operation to remove the fire that was embedded in it.
After surgery the supermarket got put into the recovery room where bananas stuck out of the ceiling in order to make sure that the  supermarket did not run away for fear that it may burst an discharge brains whilst it was ill.


The search meanwhile went on  for the yobs,
the so - called 'Bog Men' who badly injured the supermarket.
The Bog Men were eventually caught, stabbing the sky.
A gaping hole was left in the sky which needed stitching up, so, men armed with needle and thread flew up to the sky and stitched it up.


In the end the 'Bog Men' were sent to prison and put in cells where they had crocodiles surrounding them.
If the yobs tried to escape then the crocodiles would eat them.


Three months later the supermarket left hospital and was moved  to the edge of a cliff because it was safer than the High street.
It made history because it was Britain's first cliff top supermarket.
to prevent it from falling over the edge of the cliff coastguards put knives around it.


Occasionally, in the event of a landslide the supermarket was put on the beach or it was thrown into the sea.
Once in the sea only fish could buy at the supermarket.


Things sold at the supermarket included seawater, elephants, rivers, heads (human and animal), dinner plates with holes in the middle, double ended forks, garden spoons and Earth.

THE MAN WHO CHASED A LORRY

Jimmy Spit chased a lorry because it swore at him.
the lorry which had two protruding eyes drove itself on end and carried headless soldiers.


In the end a five - headed policeman got hold of Jimmy Spit for frightening the lorry.
he got sent to a dog's prison on the Isle of Boy.
He had to serve a million year sentence.


The prison where Jimmy Spit stayed had floorless cells.


The prison warder, a dustbin on legs was very strict, and ordered the prisoner to bite the brick wall.


Another form of discipline was, 'that prisoners had to break rocks with their bare hands.
Any prisoner failing to do so would be made to eat cement.


Another rule was, that it was forbidden to smoke earth.
Any prisoner caught smoking earth would have his mouth stuffed with pillorboxes.




One day a prisoner called Dirty Soap put a cigarette lighter into a prison warder's ear. The prison warder, George Tin 'O' Paint caught him and caned him with a fish. Dirty Soap was then sent to Grisly Remand Centre in Crashire.
At this prison every prisoner had to do press ups on a floor saturated with super glue.
After he did press - ups the prisoner was put into a bath full of bees.
This was to make sure that he did what he was told. After that he had a shave on the dining room table whilst he was eating in front of other prisoners.
Soon after he had a shave Dirty Soap bashed a loaf of bread that danced on the dining room table.
The bread, terrified out of its life, ran out of the dining room  and met a lump of sugar that got punched and kicked by a prison warder.


"I got beaten up by Dirty Soap said the loaf of bread"
"We'll sort him out said the lump of sugar."


So, both of the inmates searched for Dirty Soap, and when they found him they bashed him on the chops.
Next, there were pitched battles being fought in the dining room.


Potatoes fought eggs, chairs kicked prison officers, lamp shades drank milk and prisoners took off their heads.


One day whilst a man was eating his dinner the dinner plate jumped up and threw itself into the man's face.
The prison warder, Mr 1-2-3 nabbed the mad dinner plate and booted it up to the sun.


Soon afterwards a knife grew on he sun, causing it to fly.


The sun flew away to a school where fish were taught how to play football.


every football had gravy inside it to make it strong.

THE DAY GRASS GREW ON THE CHALKBOARD

At Banana High school grass grew on the chalkboard.

The cause of it was a cigarette end which a boy dumped on the chalkboard.

So Smokey Sausage the headmaster, caught him and caned him across a lamp shade on the window.

After he got caned by the headmaster the boy was tied up with wire and plugged into the mains. he got such an electric shock that he turned into a cucumber. The cucumber then flew around the classroom spitting nuts and bolts at the teacher who was as strict as a lump of  fried chalk.

Annoyed by the cucumber the teacher Brian Smoke opened his head, took out his brain and threw it at the cucumber. the cucumber retaliated by biting the teacher's egg basket, causing him to jump out of the window and up to the sun.

The sun didn't want the teacher  so it ordered the galaxy to get rid of him.

the galaxy grabbed hold of the teacher and sent him spinning into outer space.

In the end the teacher  laid eggs and out hatched baby teachers.

The teacher had his nest outside thee Universe.

The baby teachers had to be fed sums to keep them alive until they were old enough to fly away.

When they were old enough the baby teachers set up a bus station where they taught babies to drive buses in Outer Space.

there were trams running from the moon to Saturnia, sister of the planet Saturn.

Saturn had seven brothers and 95 sisters.

Other things that happened in Space included lamp posts that sailed around the Earth.

THE EVOLUTION OF A WORLD THAT WENT WRONG

The planet Earth Three was created in just two hours.


The first televisions appeared before man came on the scene.


The first television viewers were just tiny specks of bacteria that hatched out of a volcano.


Fish when they first appeared looked like worn out shoes.


Dinosaurs watched television,cavemen collected records and washing machines were in use long befor the Romans appeared on the scene.


There were stone age men who had Juke boxes in their caves.


At the time the Romans arrived men were having baths in the streets.


Long before the world began there were houses, although no one invented them.


5,000 million years ago long before man appeared there were spaceships and computers.


The first man on Earth,Clausius Conboy wasn't born, he was made in a factory set up on the sun.


More and more factories that made humans were set up all over the world.


There were humans with two heads and three hearts, plus a windpipe with railway trains inside it.


Long before food was invented men used to eat rocks and sand.


There were cases of men who ate their heads.


By the Middle Ages towns were made of wood because you could grow it on your head.


Wood was very cheap and came from a Woodery in Sidney Street Mile End.
Here police ordered a special patrol to wipe out the purple rats who kept on gnawing at the brickwork in every house.
the rats which were five feet long invaded every part of London'e East End.
the monster rats chewed through the brick work until the house died.


Police tried everything they could do to rid the area of the rats, but more and more houses  got killed before they could do anything.


So, in the end 20 foot long owls were let loose to wipe out the house eating rats.


In five hours the rats were no more.

THE MILITARY TAKEOVER OF BASHVILLE SCHOOL

Once a gang of school bullies dressed in army uniform took over a boarding school called Bashville in Essex.


after the military coup every boy and girl was forced to wash their faces with bees and made to eat books.


The bullies' army led by Colonel  News were a bunch of dictators.


Each morning every pupil had to get up at 5am otherwise he would be shot.
the procession of boys and girls then made their way to the washroom all chained up to each other and with their ankles handcuffed, then made to wash at gunpoint.
After their wash the pupils were footballed down to the dining room where they had to eat on tables  loaded with serpents.
Any move then the snakes would strike.


On one table a giant viper stood up on end to make sure that no boy or girl would get up  from their tables unless  the bullies told them to.


Certain parts of the school were booby trapped to in order to prevent escapes.


At the front entrance door at the beginning of the entrance hall  stood bricks tied up above the doorway.


Anyone who tried to escape through the door would have the bricks drop down on him.


Another  booby trap was the hidden steel mouth put below the corridor.


If a boy or girl ran along the corridor when told no to would find the steel jaws  popping out of the floor then grabbed until they were locked inside the steel mouth with it's razor sharp jaws.


other booby traps included guns that stuck out of the walls.
any move then the guns would shoot and spit bullets at the rule - breakers.


Bashville was  a real  terror camp.


Weekend leave was a serious crime which was punishable by hanging, with the rule breaker ending up being hanged.


One day a boy asked if he could buy himself a new head.
Colonel News, the school's dictator, shouted:
"You Scoddlepoif, I'll roast you for dinner."


The bully who ruled Bashville school then dragged the boy who wanted a new head along the corridor and fed him to  a washing machine in the cookhouse.


The bully then rushed back to the dining room and said:
"Now boys and girls, you lot will carry your beds down to the crocodile pond  and make them.
If you don't the crocodiles will eat you."


So every boy and girl were marched at gunpoint up to their dormitories and grabbed their beds. they then had to carry them down to the crocodile pond.


Soon afterwards the bullies grabbed hold of their slaves and threw them up to the sun.


The boys and girls were forced to work in the sky with serpents surrounding them.


"Now prisoners shouted the bullies,
"work!


So every slave had to work in the end.


The slaves waged an uprising against Colonel News and his mob.


The boys and girls grabbed hold of the sun and chucked it at the bullies, killing them instantly.
Soon after the overthrow of Colonel News and his mob the boys and girls brought the sun into Bashville school to rid it of the booby traps and wild beasts that the dictatorial bullies led by Colonel News, now defunct, used to catch their slaves with.


The sun's first job was to remove the guns, steel mouths (they were planted under the floor to trap the legs of every person who tried to escape) and other booby traps.
eventually they were destroyed.


the next job was to ride Bashville school of the serpents and other wild animals.
they got removed and sent to a zoo.


The reign of terror was over

THE DAY SOMEONE PUT A FOOTBALL INTO THE WASHING MACHINE

Derek Great, a user from Redhair Centre, found a football lying dirty on the road.
A footballer called Lamb Chops had kicked it into the road.
when he was caught Lamb Chops got sent to Schoolstal for being cruel to a football.


The dirty football got sent to a launderette and put into the washing machine in order to clean it up.
Once this was done the football got sent to a football clinic where it would remain until it was well enough to  return to the football pitch.

THE BOY WHO WENT TO SCHOOL BY BUS

Tommy Gun who lived in Seaview Road travelled every day  by bus to school.
He got the bus at 8.07  a.m .


At school  he went straight into class  and sat down with a teddy bear.


Mr Strange, the teacher, said:
"Listen boys, you will now do sums, 250 of them."
The boys did.
One boy, Robert fur  did his sums on another boy's head.


"Come here, Robert Fur, how dare you write on top of Peter Stowe's head.
For that you'll get the birch."


Robert fur got the birch  right across his mouth.


The teacher sent the boy out of class for writing on top of another boy's head.


The boy went out of his class and got out his penknife.
He slashed the wall.
Mr Tongue, the headmaster came along and said:
"Hey you, stop that at once."


The unruly boy got grabbed by the headmaster and taken to his office.


"Now, bend over!.


The boy got flogged  20 times.


"That will teach you not to vandalise this school my boy said the headmaster".


At 10.45am it was school break and the boys went out into the playground.
One of the boys got scragged and his legs spat upon.
the bullies then used him as a goalpost whilst they were playing football.
Everytime the ball hit him his legs screamed.


After break the boys went back to their classrooms.


A few boys did P.E in class.
Some boys put drawing pins on the chalkboard.


there was a teacher with a great big tongue sticking out of his mouth.
His name was Mr. Beer.


Mr Beer,a teacher who roared like a lion, was very, very, very, very strict.
On one occasion he turned one boy upside down and tied his legs.
Then he let a dog loose to bite the boy's trousers.
Another boy, Brian Neck was caught with a snake inside his desk.
He got eaten by his own teacher.

THE RIOTS IN BOOT HILL

A gang of men set fire to a factory on stilts
The factory let out  a yell.
Police appeared on the scene and arrested the mob who tried to murder the factory.
eventually the mob get put into chains and caged.
Nuts and bolts were fed to the prisoners who were in a prison known as the human zoo.
meanwhile in Boot Hill further riots took place.
Children started to throw dinner plates at passing vehicles and babies pushed prams over and attacked lamp posts.


A gang of men as big as elephants  fired bows and arrows at teddy bears who went on the rampage and hordes of tape recorders started to play football when any driver told them to get out of the road.


Not only that, bombs threw themselves at each other and two buses bit each other.


It was a real sight to see such rioting.


278 arrests were made.
The things arrested included lamp posts , new - born babies, flies, youths, especially youths with two heads, entire shops, and telephone kiosks.


Nothing in Boot Hill was immune from arrest.
even the town park itself was arrested - for flying around the town.


The riots in Boot Hill started when a baby fell out of a shopping bag  and kicked a policeman up to the sun.
The sun started to cry and this got the mob into a temper.
In the end the baby got sent to prison in Chalk Box, a street on the outskirts of Boot Hill.

CHIPS INSIDE FISH TANK

Once upon a time a man emptied a load of chips into the fish tank so they could be with the fish because fish go with chips.

If you have a load of fish in the aquarium then you have to include chips as well.

Fish get on very well with chips.

It's not unusual to catch chips as well when you go fishing.

For this  you have to have a both, chipping rod and a fishing rod.

BRICKSBOURNE ZOO

                           


This wild life park in Lungfordshire has ligers, tions,claphrads, the lot.
One day a five headed cheetah had to be fed, so the zookeeper brought in a house 
made of meat and and fed it to the cheetah.
She ate the lot.
The cheetah had a bedroom inside her body in which she carried her young, to save
them from predators such as trees.
In the nearby monkey house there was a monkey who kept on gnawing a tree and a
zookeeper who gave his hands to a monkey to use as food. To compensate he had to 
buy himself a new pair of hands in the zookeepers'  body parts shop.


One of the zoo's attractions was the fish cage with fish climbing frames and playing on 
swings.

BARKING DOGS

Once there were a couple of dogs that came from Barking. They were a Foot Bull terrier and a Dalmasation. They barked as loud as a bomb, so loud that buses toppled over sending passengers flying. They shot out of the window and got catapulted up into the sky. Some of these passengers landed on top of an egg tree and all the eggs smashed, others ending up inside buses that they didn’t even board and a headless bus driver threw them off.

The troublesome dogs had to have their barks removed in an operation which took two weeks.