THE LOCKERS WITH WHEELS ON THEM

Once upon a time, at Inkside Centre, there were lockers with wheels on them in order to move them out of the way when the time came to go home.


Each locker had a spy hole in it to make sure that coats hung up inside didn't move.


There were lockers with doors on both ends.


Sometimes if it was difficult to get a coat out of the locker a group of people would use guns to shoot the lockers open.


Every locker was checked regularly for any sign of disease.


If a locker coughed and sneezed it had to be destroyed for fear that it might spread germs all around the centre and start a terrible pandemic in which every person would drop like flies.


One a week every locker went to the local steam bath to clean up so it could be ready for use by Monday in order to get it fit enough so that coats could be hung up safely inside.


Each locker could be opened with a finger.
A man had to put his finger inside the keyhole in order to get the locker open.


One day a man went to unlock his locker  and was shocked to find a grizzly bear inside it.
The grizzly bear popped out and ate the locker owner.
The bear then went on the rampage and attacked every locker it could lay it's hands on.


All of a sudden the grizzly bear burst into the toilet and killed the washbasins.
Soon afterwards it went on the rampage through the centre and wreaked havoc.


A fire extinguisher got attacked by the grizzly bear.
It screamed.
The contract room who happened to be the instructor swooped down on the grizzly bear and stuffed a bomb down it's throat.
The bear exploded and had to be operated on to repair the bomb damage that destroyed all it's innards.


Allthough the contract room acted in self defense it did a lot of damage by stuffing a bomb down a grizzly bear's throat.

THE MAN WHO WAS ALWAYS IN A HURRY TO GET HOME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

A man called David Bloater, who attended Bird's Nest Day Centre in Bee Sting  Lane,  often came by Dial - a - Ride.


The man himself didn't like slowcoaches, especially when home - time came, people who took time to get on his bus when collected by Dial - a -Ride, because he wanted to get home as quick as possible.
He didn't like anyone keeping him waiting


Even traffic lights were an obstacle to him getting home on time because when the red light came up all traffic, including the Dial - a - Ride, came to a standstill. Because of this he wanted the traffic lights removed. The driver said,
the traffic lights are there for a purpose, they can't be removed.


Even buses on the road, and cars were pests according to David Bloater, because they meant that he would get home late, as they often caused traffic jams.


"Come on, come on, shouted David Bloater, get a move on. 
Can't the traffic move for a change?"


"If you complain said the driver I'll have you off the bus".


One day Bernard Cheeseman got picked up at his day centre and took time coming down the path.
As soon as he got on the bus the man shouted:
"Hurry up, Hurry up Slowcoach, if you make me late for home I'll bash you."
"Hoy!  none of that, any more of those threats and I'll ban you".


David Bloater, fed up with Bernard Cheeseman making him late for getting home, lashed out at him and took a swipe at him.
The driver seeing what happened phoned  the man's centre. They replied and got |David removed from any future dial a rides because of his aggression towards slowcoaches. for instance, he once punched a  man who had a Zimmer frame when he got on the bus because he was so slow and David wanted to get home as  quick as possible.

MICHAEL DEN DAY CENTRE NEWS

Fees have been introduced at Michael Den Day Centre, Clarence Creep Avenue Gants Hill.
Each day every member will be required to pay a fee of £12.50 just to attend, plus £2 every time you visit the toilet.


People who arrive 30 minutes late will be required to pay up to £20 attendance fee.
Other fees include 12p just to lay the table for lunch and 20p just to say the blessing before you eat.
Even sitting down at the dining room table won't be free.
Just before you sit down for lunch you will be charged 34p just to sit down at the dining room table, and if you swear you will have to put 50p into the swearbox on the dining room table.


Here are a list of all the fees that you have to pay at Michael Den Day Centre.


1. Admission charges                                                            £12.50
2. Going to toilet                                                                   £2.00
3. Arriving at the centre late                                              £20.00 
4. Laying the table                                                               12p
5. Saying the blessing before you eat                                 20p
6. Lunch money                                                                   £23
7. Second helpings at lunch time                                        £5.00


The lunch money is £23.00, but if you have a second helping you will be required to pay an extra £5.00
The other fees are £2.00 just to sit on the settee and 30p just to wash your hands.
There's also an exit fee.
Just before you leave you will be required to pay £8.00 just to leave the centre to go home, if you haven't you will be required to stay at the centre until a relative can raise money just to get you out of the centre at home time.                                       

THE CROWDED DINING ROOM TABLE

‘At the Fishbourne Day Centre people were bunched close together at the dining room table at lunchtime. So tightly packed they were that whenever someone tucked into a bowl of soup it would then spill right onto the person sitting next to him.

“You, you’ve ruined my trousers boy.

“I can’t help it, the table is so overcrowded”

“See how you would like it if ‘someone emptied soup all over you.”



A fight then broke out, with two men chucking food all over each other.

“Hey you, stop it at once said Mick Dungpile, the manager.

“He started it that Messer.

“The table is overcrowded said Simon Streetmap, one of the users.

“Oh, Poppycock, you’re making it up said the manager.

Get back on that table at once before I do my nut.



‘The overcrowded dining room wasn’t the only trouble at this centre for there was on other thing – the dinner money.

The price for a meal was £50. It shows what a scum the manager was. ‘But worse was to come for centre charge fees were to be introduced.

It would cost £45 per day just to attend.



‘The dining room table was meant to take only 12 people but 25 were bunched so close to each other on the table.

‘If you had to go to the toilet you were likely to knock the other person over because it was so grossly overcrowded.

THE MILK FLOAT BUS RIDE TO THE DAY CENTRE

One day, on Centember 23rd, 2009 a dial a ride turned up, but this was no ordinary dial a ride bus for the vehicle that arrived to pick up Russel Lard was a milk float.
Normally the milkman would have used his float to deliver the bottles of milk to peoples' homes, but it served another purpose - it doubled up as a dial a ride.
The man got on the dial a ride milk float but had to be careful for he was surrounded by milk bottles on the milk float bus, some of them right behind his head, and if he dare get up from his seat he could knock over the milk bottles and smash the whole lot, spilling milk all over the milk float dial a ride bus, and if that did happen the milk driver could ban the man from using the milky dial a ride.

THE DAY ADMISSION CHARGES WERE INTRODUCED AT A DAY CENTRE

One day, at Cornfield Day Centre the manager Neil Bounty announced that, 
'as from tomorrow you'll all be paying £50 per day to come into the centre,
because we're so hard up that, 'if we don't get the money in we'll have to close".


Next day every man and woman had to pay £50 to enter the centre and £2 to use the loo, even in the centre. Because of this the only other choice was to hold it up until hometime unless you were desperate and in dire straits.


The new pay as you enter rules left everybody much poorer.


Anyone who used Cornfield day Centre for four days had to pay £200 each week. As a result they had to cut down on the amount of food they had to buy. The poorest had to go for three days without food at home, ending up having to eat out of bins. Not only that, sometimes they had no money left for shopping. This wasn't the only thing, even dinner money charges were very high, £30 for a three course meal. If you were late for dinner you even had to pay more.
Going to the toilet when dinner was about to be served meant that by holding everybody up you were liable to be charged as much as £45 for a meal depending on how late you were for lunch. There were even plans to introduce  a charge for saying the prayers, about £1.00, and £3.00 for drinking a glass of water. 
disgusted at what was going on in the centre one man, Gordon Riot, decided to take the law into his own hands, for this he got suspended from the centre. hearing about this what Gordon Riot had done the home where he lived Youngmans Lodge decided to put him into care where the harshest punishments would be carried out, being deprived of food for a week and sent to prison for swearing at the staff. There were even plans to section Gordon Riot at Chopwood mental hospital.

WEBSIDE DAY CENTRE

One day a man went to Webside day Centre all because it had a room with computers, run by Adam Drill.
The centre in Perch Road, Birdsworth was open 24 hours a day and had 20 course meals, plus one foot long sandwiches as alternative meals and hot pepper ice cream.


One day the centre decided to go on an outing to Northend - on - Sea,Essex, situated on the the River Crouch, only two miles from its brother, Burnham - on - Crouch.


Northend has a pier, about 12 miles long, which means the pier railway has to stop at various stations along its entire length.
The 12 mile long length of the pier enables it to have shopping arcades along the pier, a sort of amenity not seen on seaside piers, and swimming pools, swimming pools on a pier, a most unheard of thing, but it's possible because Northend pier is 12 miles long.

THE DEATH OF A WEBSITE

The death has been announced of a day centre website.
The much loved website died of web failure a few days ago.
Its heart just packed in.
Doctors were called to the day centre to resuscitate the website but failed to do so.
A memorial service is to be held for the website that died.
It has been laid to rest at a local resting ground and will have its stone setting in a few months time.
The website just died of old age.
The website's funeral will be held on April 67th at Sauce Pit cemetery.
The day centre in which the website died was run by Family Dog, a local organisation that also provides housing as well as day centres. It will soon receive a new website which will be created by fertilising sperm with an egg from an internet donor.
Whilst the new website’s still a baby care will have to be taken not do disturb it too much otherwise it could die.
Family Dog is the provider of the day centre mentioned above.
The centre is called Babylands Day centre.
It’s in Pandora Road Ilford.

THE COACH OUTING

One day a party of people at Barleyhouse Day Centre decided to go on an outing to Dimton – on – Sea, Sussex, a resort with streets such as “The Sideways”, a quaint old narrow alleyway that runs from the seafront to the Warings, a peaceful part of the town which has a country – like park, plus little narrow passages.
Next to Dimton – on – Sea is the resort of Hovis and Goring – by – Sea.
Goring – by – Sea has a camping site with tents supported by cricket stumps pushed into the ground to prevent the tents from flying away if the wind blows. It offers excellent view over the South Ups and Arundel Hospital castle.
It is served by buses run by Dimton, Hovis and District, and Southup, plus Dimton Corporation, which has a fleet of 57 buses, three triple deckers, 50 double deck ‘and the rest single deck. On special occasions half deck buses run in the town.
Dimton is a popular seaside town on the south coast which is served by the Dimton Belle, a luxurious train with lounge like carriages which have a television and a bar that serves drinks.
Dimton – on – Sea started off as a fishing village in the 18th century and was popular with King George 45th. It was the coming of the railways which turned it into a massive town, with the first day trippers arriving in 1867. At that time the roads were mud tracks.
The town has a holiday camp, Pontins  Topside village.

PAMPER NEWS

                                         
One day at Goodnight Day Centre a pampering session took place. The first person who got sellected chose to have his head taken off so the pamper woman would give it a bath.
First of all she filled up the bath tub with wash lotion then put the head into the bath tub.
The head was thoroughly washed then re - attached to its owner's body. The next job was to take the lungs and heart out of the man's body and put them into the washing machine. Whilst this was going on the man had to be plugged into the mains in order to keep him alive otherwise if he died the pamper woman wouldn't want anything to do with him.
the body organs, hearts and lungs were thoroughly washed, by adding a solution of tomato sauce and coca cola soap.
After one hour the heart and lungs were put back into the man's body. The woman even hoovered his chest.
Customer number 2 and 3 were  women called Lyn Mouth and Lyn Ton. They were massaged with a vacuum cleaner all over their backs and salad cream rubbed into their faces. They then offered to have their toenails cut. This was done with a bread knife. The next session was to have steak and kidney pies stuck on their eyes.                                           

THE DAY CENTRE THAT STARTED AT 6am IN THE MORNING

              

Birds Eye Day centre was a day centre that opened at 6 am every day, this meant that people would have to get up at 3.30 every morning, and if they got up the normal time they would have to be ready in just under five minutes for the Dial - a- Ride would call even when they had just got out of bed, and they would have to rush like mad.

Birds Eye Day centre started off with breakfast at 6.40 am and would last for only two minutes, this meant that people had to rush their food. If they didn't one of the staff would snatch his plate off the table and rub it in his head with all the food splattering his face. It was Mr. Tongueface the manager of the centre who was behind this. He was a strict ruler with iron discipline who would stand no nonsense, and another thing, 'you weren't allowed to use the toilet during dinner for it would be showing no respect for the centre staff. If you were bursting to use the loo I'm afraid you would have to wait until lunch break was over. you just had to put up with it. it's no wonder that inevitable accidents did sometimes happen creating such a horrible smell that those eating their dinner had to wear gas masks. people who messed themselves were told by the ruler to clean themselves up using a rough cleaner such as a pot scourer.

THE GRAVE IMPACT A CHANGE OF PROVIDER HAD ON DAY CENTRE

    

One day after ten years it was decided to have a different provider to run Kelloggs Day Centre in Ilford. As a result of this the centre became more and more basic.

Stripped of its contents four grey walls replaced the beautiful decor of the centre and the computers disappeared off the face of the Earth, leaving users with nothing to do other than talk.

They had to bring their own packed lunches for meals could no longer be provided.

Not only that, they had to sit on the floor to eat their meals for the tables and chairs had been taken away due to the changeover from one provider to another.

The centre was now very stark, completely empty.

As for the toilets, you had to dig a hole in the ground in the garden, for the change of provider resulted in the toilets being taken away.

As you know it people have to use the garden, but, 'because digging a hole to create a toilet in the garden would create a terrible smell once the toilet is used means that people going into the garden had to wear gas masks.

However, you had to dig a hole to create a toilet in the garden because the change of provider resulted in the centre's toilets being taken away.

The hole in the ground toilet, a latrine, was done hidden behind a shed so no one could see.

These primitive toilet facilities, digging a hole in the ground, would have to be maintained until new toilets were installed in this day centre.

It was no fun having to dig a hole in the garden to create a toilet all because the centre had been stripped of its toilets due to the changeover from one provider to another.

As for washing facilities you had to use earth to wash your hands with because, again, due to the changeover from one provider to another, there were no washing facilities.

Because people were left with smelly hands due to the lack of washing facilities they had to eat their packed lunches before digging a toilet in the garden.

To remedy this one of the staff suggested that each day centre member buy hand washes that don't use water in the chemist and portable toilets which they could install in their trousers. That way they would save having to dig a hole in the garden to use as a toilet.

it would take at least 20 years before the centre could get back to normal.

DINSBROOK DAY CENTRE

                                 

One day like every Tuesday Bernard Blink attended Dinsbrook Day Centre in Dinsbrook Road, Ilford. He was waiting to go in when a member from his other centre who happened to be living down that turning spotted him. Fearing what would happen he rushed into Dinsbrook Centre, went into a state and took no interest in the computer inside the centre and had no appetite when it came to supper.

Next day Bernard Blink turned up at Midcalf Day centre and the other member lashed out at him.

“Stay out of my street you trespassing scum, you don’t live down there, it’s my street, so stay out of my domain otherwise I’ll smash your face in.

“What’s all this about said one of the staff?”

“That person has been invading my private street said the other member, a woman who attends the same centre”

“He goes to a day centre down Dinsbrook Road.”

“It doesn’t matter, he’s still trespassing. One of these days I’ll smash his face in that rotten trespassing scum. That street’s mine, not his. It’s my territory.”

“I’ll have you out of here if you use that abusive talk said one of the staff”.

The Dinsbrook Road resident sat a distance away from Bernard Blink because according to her he was an outsider who happened to be trampling on her patch.

When lunch came Bernard Blink happened to be sitting on the table when the furious woman member chucked water all over him.

“Get off my land you invading scum otherwise I’ll knock your head off. See how you like it?”

“Right, Get out of here said one of the staff”.

The woman who didn't like the other member going down her street was eventually told to come back in, but only on the condition that she wouldn't do it again, verbally abusing the other member.

The woman member was let off and received a warning that if she ever did it again she would be expelled from the centre.

THE MAN WHO WAS LATE FOR THE COOKERY CLASS AT MILKHAYES DAY CENTRE

Once upon a time a man who went to his day centre had a cookery class on this very day, Wednesday, but he got up late, was very slow and by the time he got out it was 11.10 in the morning, 40 minutes past 10.30, the time in which the cookery class started. He got the 145 bus, but by the time it arrived it was 11.40.

Not only that, he also had to get another bus from Ilford, and by the time he got to the centre at Gants Hill it was 12.30.

"I'm afraid, you're too late for the cookery group said a member of staff, you should have been here at 10.30.

In future, my boy, remember to arrive here at 10.30.

"But I was too slow.

"It's no excuse, the main trouble with you is that you go to bed too late, if you went to bed much earlier you would have been here on time.

This day centre is no place for slowcoaches, I can''t tolerate slowcoaches.

People should be here no later than 10.30.

I'm going to ring your carer to try and get you to go to bed earlier.

The boss of the centre, Miss Mythica Dray rang Birdbath Lodge and  the carer in charge Dinah Plate said,

' I will sort this out."

The resident Bernard Cheeseman, when he returned home got approached by the carer and told that he must try to get to bed earlier.

As from now on the carer, s  home support team rang every hour from 10pm to see that each resident was tucked in bed.

THE BARBECUE AT PIDGEON COURT DAY CENTRE

Once upon a time plans were being made to hold a barbecue at Pidgeon Court Day Centre in Proceeds Road, Chingford.
The centre, run by MIND AND BODY was open for four days each week.
23.56 people turned up for the barbecue, which was made up of 15 inch long sausages, 12" chickens, plus more.
This was a great occasion. 
The barbecue wasn't the only thing here for a film "The clash of the Mountains" was being shown.
People who turned up at the barbecue included, Michael Shirt, Derek Fountain, Puma Mower, Lee Nover, Margie Retting, plus Ben Dover, Will Power and Toyah Lett.

FIDDLESTICKS DAY CENTRE

Fiddlesticks day Centre is situated in Mintpie Road Ilford. It is a day centre that’s open 24 hours a day. The centre offers computer classes, with 200 computers in a room only five feet wide and a dining room where 500 people have to sit on a table only two feet wide. It’s no wonder people keep falling over each other because there’s no room. In fact, so gross is the overcrowding that it’s not surprising that whenever a person eats he could accidentally chuck food over the person sitting next to him, indeed he often does, and what happens is that person concerned could punch his head off, this means, that he punches it so hard that it falls off onto the floor leaving the day centre member with no head.
The overcrowding is due to the fact that the day centre population is increasing all the time at Fiddlesticks Day centre. Eventually as the manager Edward Bellybutton says, ‘ the number of people attending this centre could increase to 23′000, and that is in one room only, so the only option is to shrink each day centre member down to only one inch tall and bring him back to normal size when the time comes for him or her to leave the centre

THE DAY CENTRE THAT CHARGED MASSIVE FEES

Once upon a time, there stood a day centre in Ilford that charged massive fees. It was the Halfway Gardens Day centre, in which admission charge fees amounted to £45 per day just to attend.


The centre was open from Monday to Friday.


On entering the centre, ‘you were asked to pay £45, which meant that you had to pay £225 fees each week just to attend. Even going to the toilet in the centre ‘wasn’t entirely free. Every time you visited the ‘loo you were asked to pay £6. ‘It’s no wonder that people held it up because it was too dear to relieve yourself so you had to put up with it until you returned home.


There were plans in Halfway gardens day Centre to introduce fees for failing to be ready for dinner when it was 1 pm. ‘If you turned up for dinner a minute late you were asked to pay 23p.


‘Even going to toilet at dinner time was costly because it was a time when you should be eating.  Normally it was £6 per visit, ‘but at lunch it was £10. 
You weren’t even allowed talk at lunch time otherwise the staff would charge you 2p per for every word you uttered.


A day centre that charged £45 per day fees was an example of recession gone mad, it’s no wonder that many people couldn’t come, but there was no a plan to make attendance compulsory otherwise you would end up in an institution.

THE YOGA GROUP

            








One day it was decided that people doing yoga must take their shoes, socks and even their feet off so that they could make the yoga easy. Another thing they were told that they must wear yoga pyjamas.
All this was organised by the yoga teacher Miss plaza Syndrome.


The first exercise was neck stretching.
You had to stretch your neck as high as possible until your head touched the ceiling.
The next exercise was the head extension.
You had to stretch your head as much as 12 feet across the room, 
Then next of all,
You had to massage your heart.
All you had to do was to put your hand down your throat and into the chest cavity until you reached your heart, then you had to massage it. Once this was done you then withdrew your hand from the inside of your body until it came out of your mouth.
Because of the deadly germs you had to wash your hand in carbolic milk, delivered from a double ended bottle.
The next exercise was the cry baby.
You had to cry just like a baby for ten minutes.
The final exercise was the sky walk. For this you had to leave the building and jump up into the sky then walk up to the sun. Once this was done a bird then took you back down to Earth and,
Finally,
Back to the day centre.

THE MAN WHO HAD A GO AT ANOTHER MAN WITH HIS WALKING STICK

One day in the Beezer Centre, during an exercise group  there was a very old man, aged about 101 sitting in his own special seat which he chose for himself.
Apparently one of the people from the Dandy Day Centre decided he wanted more space, but in doing so stood right in front of the centenarian man. In response he shouted:
"Get out of my view you interfering scum, and whacked him with his walking stick."
This affected the man so much that he withdrew into his seat and took no interest in anything.


The exercise teacher seeing what had happened came up to the man and warned him that if he did it again he'd be expelled from the exercise room, and told him off.


Because of the upset the other man hardly exercised because he just wasn't interested in anything.
he also withdrew into the corner. 
One of the members of staff from the Beezer Centre coaxed him out and made him rejoin the rest of the group.


When the time came for the man to go back to the centre across the road it was time for lunch, but because of what the hateful man did to him he just wasn't interested in food and ate virtually nothing.
In fact the man ate nothing for two days because of the incident in the exercise group and slept on the floor, once at home because he was no good for bed. Not only that, he ignored the carers at his home because he didn't want anything to do with people after what a a 101 year old day centre member did to him at the Beezer Centre.


The upset was so severe that the man didn't take interest in anything for a week apart from food; even though he ate very little, but returned to normal after a week.


Because of the incident in the Beezer Centre when a 101 year old man whacked the other man with a walking stick the victim developed a grudge against elderly people which went on for two months, even elderly residents who lived in his own support home.


In the end the exercise teacher had to segregate the man who was picked on by the one of the day centre members of the Beezer Centre, by enclosing him inside his own pen in the exercise room.
He had a fence put up to protect him from the elderly day centre member who had a violent outburst, the only man, for the other elderly day centre members were good people.

THE STORY OF BERNARD INK WHO USED THE DIAL- A - RIDE

                      






One Tuesday as usual Bernard Ink was busy doing something in his flat when, 'all of a sudden the a voice was read over the intercom. It said:
"Dial - a- Ride"
Because Tuesday wasn't the day he normally went to Mitzon Day Centre he went berserk screaming, bawling and shouting and banging doors. As it happened he was booked for Tuesday's Dial - a - Ride because another chap Simon Lambchops also attended the same centre.
Bernie refused to budge when, 'all of a sudden one of the staff knocked on his door and said, "come out at once, Dial - a - Ride's here.
But, said Bernie, it's not my usual day."
In the end bernard Ink sucumbed and left the flat racing like a madman down the stairs.
Raising a commotion he made his way to the minibus. The hullaballoo didn't die down until he reached Mitzon Day Centre.


At lunchtime bernie got onto the same table as his Dial - a - Ride mate when he said:
"hop it, you upset me, why don't you go on a separate bus, you're a scum".
"Hoy! none of that otherwise I'll kick you out of this centre said one of the staff."


Due to the hostility a computer cab had to be booked for bernard Ink whilst the other man went on his Dial - a - Ride.
By the time he got home to Goodfellows Lodge Simon suddenly appeared and pushed bernie over. In a rush he raced up to his flat and locked himself in. 
The hostility had upset him so much that he missed his supper because he just wasn't interested in food and slept on the floor because he was no good for anything. He lay there all night until the morning, and when the Dial - a -Ride turned up he had to go first in order to dodge his enemy, and when he did arrive at his centre he had to have his dinner in a room on his own for his own safety.
As the enemy Simon Lambchops had friends in the sheltered home where Bernie lived, Bernie had to avoid the communal area because the other people could gang up on him and bash him for what he did to Simon.
Later that night an angry Simon raced along the corridor and bashed the door down. Fearing for his life bernie opened the window and jumped out onto the ground below. he was spotted by the night watchman and Bernie told him about that man who was after him. The Nightwatchman phoned the police and they came and took Simon Lambchops to a secure unit in the nearby mental hospital.
The other residents turned on bernard Ink for what he did to Simon. This led to having to move bernie out of Goodfellows Lodge and return him to his old house, arriving there before midday.
Now all was safe for he was in a house all on his own with no enemies around.