THE SHMUTTER LANE ALLOTMENT

            
              
One day It was decided by members of staff that we should all go down to the allotment in Shmutter Lane to grow some tuna and comb the potatoes.
 In the shed chicken bones were stored, to be used as a fertilizer, so that the tomatoes should grow quicker.


When it came to watering the plants the gardener would go and collect a pail of filthy water from the allotment's duck pond and load it into the watering can, together with your own hair, because human hair is a fertilizer, as well as earwax.
Rubbing earwax onto plants helps them to grow a lot faster.




The allotment did have toilets, mainly tomato plant privies.
For toilet paper you had to use compost.


When it came to digging the allotment you had to use your teeth to pull the earth away and dig up the ground, then you planted the seeds which you carried in your ear.
Once you had planted the seeds you then pressed the earth down with your own head, for your head and your mouth were your gardening tools.


Fancy using your own mouth as a shovel to dig the earth with, but that's what you had to do, for the only other gardening tool was a 20 foot long knife, together with a 50 foot fork.
Sometimes, down at the Shmutter Lane allotment you sometimes used another human being as a shovel in which to dig the earth with.
You had to hold him upside down until his head went in the earth to dig it up.
The human shovel was the order of the day.