A SHOPPING TRIP TO TESCO

 
 
 
Once upon a time at Goodmayes Lodge, ‘it was decided that the resident Albert Memorial should go shopping. The carer Miss Rules told Albert Memorial to get into her car. He had a shopping list and on it was a list of items.
Here is the list.
1.    Blue carrots               10. Screwcumbers
2.    Lebbage                     11. Human heads
3.    Apple plums               12. Dogs’ eggs
4.    Tomanas
5.    Shepherd’s Milk
6.    Dead beef
7.    Winter onions
8.    Scabbage
9.    Cow Pie

The Tesco was in Cowdung Avenue Goodmayes.
This was a vast store measuring approximately 2 miles and had 23 toilets, five for dogs and three for filthy men.Google

THE OVERCROWDED BUS

Once upon a time a man set off home from his day centre, and on boarding a bus found what he wasn't expecting - morbid overcrowding.
In fact it was so overcrowded that people ended up mounted on top of one another.
This led to fights, and in one fight a man was thrown along the gangway and ended up on top of a man's head.

200 people crowded onto the bus only meant for 78.

Because of the malignant overcrowding people often went past the bus stop they were supposed to get off at.
Only the topmost people were able to get off the bus, that is those at the top of the pile, but had to escape through the windows because it was virtually impossible to reach the door, due to people lying on top of each other.

Loads of people were buried under each other making it difficult to breathe.

Not able to stand it any longer some people collapsed the floor and left the bus through the floor, crawling underneath until they came out at the other end of the bus - the first case of it's kind of an underfloor exit on the bus.

It was the councillor Jimmy Gasbag who made sure as many people as possible should get on the bus.

THE DEATH OF A BATHROOM LIGHT

One day a man deciding to have a bath went into the bathroom to turn the light on, but as soon as he pulled the light switch the light soon after it came on went out.
The carer, Miss Slippers came up and said,
'I'm going to  call the electrician."
The electrician came and said:
'I'm afraid the light on the ceiling has just died.
I will sign the death certificate so that a funeral for the light can be arranged."


The certificate was signed and the man's cousin arranged a funeral for the bathroom light that just died because it had run its course.


Next day a funeral was held at Redbridge light bulb cemetery, where there were loads of people, even Ilford Town Hall.


Amongst the people was the resident's bathroom in which the light bulb once belonged.
It was crying because it missed the light that once lit it up.

THE STRANGE CASE OF THE NUMBER 11

One day the bell on the buzzer to set off the intercom in flat 11 was rung on the outside by pressing 1, then 1, but instead of reaching the right destination it caused anything number 11 to be set off - other flats with the same number, even an 11 year old boy, for when number 11 was rung on the outside of the block of flats the boy was  sent flying all because his age bore the same number as the flat, number 11.
He was thrown across the road when someone pressed number 11 on the wall, and landed headfirst on a bush.

The same thing happened when the no. 11 bus came down the road, for it crashed into a lamp post when someone rang number 11 on the wall.

A warning was now read out that any object that was number 11 would get a nasty shock and should be stopped from coming down the this road until the problem with the flat 11  intercom was fixed.

That also applied to 11 year old children for they could have a nasty accident, even have a fall, if someone pressed number 11 on the buzzer.
They had to go down alternative streets, and told not to pass any house whose address was number 11

FORBIDDEN LODGE

Once upon a time there stood a support home where loads of rooms were out of bounds, even the front street door.
This means that the front door where you came in was from now on to be made available to staff only.
This meant that residents had to get into their flats by climbing in through the windows of their homes from the outside.
If on the ground floor you could use a window door key to open either your bedroom window or your living room window, but if you lived upstairs you had to scale the brick wall and climb onto a narrow ledge, but had to be careful whilst opening your window whilst standing on a narrow ledge or you could fall off the ledge and down to the ground.

Many residents didn't like the staff because they had a proper street door to get into the support home where they worked, whilst the residents had to climb in through the windows of their flats from the outside compound and car park order in order to get into their own homes.

This wasn't the only malady, for residents weren't allowed to get into the main part of the support home, which included the corridors, the dining room, kitchen and garden, plus other areas of the support home as they were for staff only.

Residents couldn't even enter their own homes through the front door on their flats which opened out into the corridor, as staff only were allowed to use the front door in order to enter the resident's home.

The front door of the tenants flat was out of bounds to the tenant himself or herself as only staff could use it to enter and leave the flat.

To remedy the situation of the residents having to enter their flats through the windows it was decided to install proper street doors for each flat, and for the upstairs flats, a balcony, to save the upstairs residents the ordeal of having to scale the wall and climb onto a narrow ledge in order to get into their flats by climbing in through the windows from the outside of the building.

Once street doors were installed, one for each flat, residents were able to enter their homes without having to climb in through the window from the outside.

THE MAN WHO DOWNLOADED A BOMB ONTO HIS COMPUTER

One day a man downloaded a bomb onto his computer.
Once installed the man turned on his computer and it blew up.

The downloaded bomb had planted itself into the man's hard drive and got detonated once the man had switched on his computer.

The man's cousin who had arrived to give the man his money heard the loud bang outside.
when he opened the door and came in he was shocked to find the computer completely destroyed.

The man told his cousin that he had downloaded a bomb onto his computer, and when he switched on his computer it blew up.

"You, you've killed your own computer.
It's your own fault.

How many times have you told you not to download explosive materials onto your computer and other dangerous programs.
If you're not careful you could download flu viruses onto your computer and if you switch your computer on you could catch a deadly flu virus and die.

Did you know that you can catch deadly diseases and other killers from your computer.
Computers could even eat you.

All this is caused by killer computer viruses which only AVG antibacterial drugs could combat.

AVG antibiotics are very powerful drugs.

THE MAGICAL WARDROBE

Once upon a time a man finding that his wardrobe in his bedroom became overcrowded, suddenly discovered that his wardrobe started to expand many many miles and could now have as much space as possible to hang his belongings up.

On walking into the vast wardrobe that stretched  for thousands and thousands of miles the man stumbled upon another door. He went through this door and walked right out onto the beach 1100 miles from home, even though he was only 100 yards from his bedroom, approached through the wardrobe.

The beach was right in the land of Banarnia, the land where every forest was made up of bananas instead of trees.


he walked right out onto this beach and went inside a beach hut. He went up to the wall and a door suddenly appeared, then went through this door and got whisked into outer space, landing on the moon Dunkers, where he entered a magical castle with marble floors and vast rooms, ruled by King Sirloin. He sat on a vast chair 20 foot high and 50 foot wide.

Soon the man went through a door in the castle and landed straight back in his bedroom  where he climbed into the wardrobe from.

That night Sydney Jamjar, the man himself got into bed, climbed under the bedclothes and dragged himself to the bottom of the bed. There, he went through an arch into a magical kingdom, where he went straight into a castle, so vast that is stretched for 10,000 miles with loads of giant teddy bears and 50 - headed beasts.

The man walked into a corridor and stumbled upon a huge pool with women who  had heads all over their bodies and long tongues stretching for 20 feet, ready to grab any fish that came out of the River Smax.

The creatures stuck out their 20 foot tongues and nearly grabbed the man ready to gobble him up but escaped just in time, by climbing into a bottle with both ends. 
He came out of the other end and ended up in a bed 1000 feet long.
It was Prince Gaspian who slept in this vast bed, but he was away in Snoddia, his favorite country on a tour of the Dogacombs.

Prince Gaspian came from Snarnia.

The man crawled along the inside of the bed and landed up inside a toilet built into the bed sheets. 
It was used by the owner if he was caught short whilst in bed.
The man then flushed himself down the toilet and landed in an underground river made of chocolate, passing licorice allsorts men on the way and giant 7 - headed mice, some with beaks.

A mouse with a beak, it's never been heard of, but that's what the man saw on his travels through the chocolate river.

The river led into the Burly Sea, with fish sitting  up at tables eating their meals and trees urinating on lawns.

By now it was time to go home so the man tapped his feet on the ground and in a jiffy was back in his bedroom.